1180 Unable to articulate
You have done one thing
About which I cannot articulate
You kept me in a situation
Unable to communicate it properly
Though I am
Unable to communicate it
You helped me
To understand what it is
Though I am not
Clear what I searched for
I managed to received
What I searched for
I realized in my atman
What I received
But I don’t find
A name for it
I cannot say that
I found god
[Or received god]
I don’t know whether I received that
Eternal mukti without any further death
I don’t know
Whether I realized me
Through that crystal clear knowledge
That remains unclear to many
But I clearly understood
That peace which it gives
In my everyday life
Which I live on this earth
Though I become tired
By struggling both with my body and mind
Though I am defeated in my struggle
With the people in this world
I don’t know
How to give a name
To that relationship
Which I have with you
You made me
Unable to articulate it
You refuse to give
Reason for that
Once you have refused
What else can I do?
I also understand that
There is no use further writing about it
Therefore what I cannot
Communicate through words
Now I understood
That your act
Mathigiri, 11-3-2020, 11.00 p.m.
Since last three days I am down with cough, cold and head ache, thank god no fever. So no fear of Covid 19 or Corona. But all my regular works of reading and writing—even doing cross stitch work stand still. Somehow I manage to cook and to take care of my mother. Though I recovered this morning, again from the evening I got running nose and eye irritation. So after retired to bed, not even reading Muktiveda, I have decided to give complete rest to my eyes. So I switched off the light, stretched my legs on the cot and sat on the chair from 10.10 pm try to silence my mind. Then I slowly began to divert my attention in my relationship with the Lord. I tried to comprehend through various (technical or theological) terms (both in Tamil and English) but failed. Then I told the Lord that he has done something in my life but I don’t know what it is. Though I try my best to articulate through words, still I am not sure that I succeed in it. He put me in a situation where I can understand but cannot communicate. The Lord also refuses to budge to give words and terms to articulate it. Then I sat silently contemplating more upon it though my mind, as usual wandered on various other thoughts. Then around 11.00 I said the first line of this poem as my silent prayer in my mind. Though inspiration came I even don’t want to write another poem on this subject. But as the words continue to pound my brain/mind, unable to resist further, I wrote this song as my meditation of this evening.
In stanza five in the first line I say that I don’t know whether I received god/I saw god. This may go against the standard Muktivedic theology that whoever has seen the Lord saw God. But for me my search never began to find out god but why I failed in it. So though I found my guru in Muktinath I don’t know who god actually is and I never mind much about it.
Similarly in stanza six I say that the (crystal) clear knowledge which remains unclear to all or many. It might look a contradiction. But this is the reality for me. I never claim that I understood Vedanda—in various branches like the advaita (Sankara), the dvaita (Madhava), the visistadvaita (Ramanuja), the dvaitadvaita (Nimbarka), the suddhadvaita (Vallabha) and many further branches like Achintya-Bhedabheda (Bengal (Gaudiya) Vaishnavism. If Sankara clearly articulated it, then what is the need for these further schools of Vedanta? At the same time I cannot say that the claim of ‘self-realization’ by many vedantins is wrong. What I can say is that I am not competent enough even to comprehend this crystal clear knowledge through which one can achieve this self-realization.
1180 சொல்ல இயலாது
சொல்லிட்ட முடியாத
செயலொன்று செய்தாய்
சொல்லிடத் தெரியாமல்
என்னையும் வைத்தாய்
சொல்லாலே சொல்லிட்ட
முடியாத போதும்
செய்தது எதுவெனப்
புரிந்திட வைத்தாய்
தேடியது தெளிவாய்த்
தெரியாத போதும்
தேடியே ஒன்றை
நானுமே அடைந்தேன்
அடைந்ததை ஆன்மாவில்
நன்குமே உணர்ந்தேன்
ஆயினும் அதற்குப்
பெயரொன்று காணேன்
இறைவனை அடைந்தேன்/கண்டேன்
எனக்கூற இயலாது
இறவாத முக்தியை
அடைந்தேனாத் தெரியாது
எவருக்கும் விளங்காத
தெளிவான ஞானத்தால்
என்னையே உணர்ந்தேனா
என்பதும் தெரியாது
ஆனாலும் அன்றாடம்
வாழ்கின்ற வாழ்வில்
அதுதரும் அமைதியை
நன்குமே புரிந்தேன்
உடலோடும் மனதோடும்
போராடி ஓய்ந்தாலும்
ஊரோடும் உலகோடும்
போராடி வீழ்ந்தாலும்
என்னோடு இருக்கின்ற
உன்னந்த உறவுக்கு
பெயரென்னத் தருவது
எனக்குமேத் தெரியாது
அதைத்தான் சொல்லிட்ட
முடியாது செய்தாய்
அதற்கான காரணம்
தந்திட மறுத்தாய்
நீயே மறுத்தபின்
நானென்ன செய்வது
இதற்குமேல் எழுதினால்
பயனில்லைப் புரியுது
ஆகவே எழுத்தில்
சொல்லிட்ட இயலாத
நீசெய்த செயலை
புரிந்தேன் இப்போது
மத்திகிரி, 11-3-2020, இரவு, 11.00