1284 My own time
Time like this
Is exclusively for me
This is the time
When you come to have fellowship with me
I was waiting
Only for this
If you stay with me
I will find peace [within me]
I should give
Time for others
I should
Serve them
But oh my Lord
I should understand
My own need
Amidst all of them
When you become
My personal need
I receive
New kind of strength
I gain more strength
Through your fellowship
That will bestow
So many blessings
If remain
Empty vessel
Only mere
Noise will come out of it
If you pour down your Spirit
And fill it
Peace will come back
Like a full vessel
The time that I receive
That peace
Is the time
When come to have fellowship with me
I was waiting
Only for that
As you came to join me
I found joy in it.
Mathigiri, 27-08-2021, 2.30 p.m.
Unable to sleep properly due to various kinds of noise pollution, I planned to go and stay at the ashram for a few weeks with my mother. But my mother does not like it and she laments each day [or every time when she is awake, even several times in her sleep] how long she needs to wander like this from place to place unable to live in one place where she feels comfortable. She likes this house as it serves her purpose—people around her, getting books from the library to read, Newspaper and above all my presence 24×7 exclusively for her as no one will come and visit us here.
But if we go back to the ashram there is no News Paper, there is no library nearby for her to read. Others might begin to visit the ashram again once I begin to stay, which means I have to share my time with others. Though visitors will come, as they won’t spend much time with her to sit and talk, she feels more lonely as I sit and talk with others for several hours whereas she has to remain alone in her room.
But I pointed out to her that if I become sick due to lack of proper sleep then she alone will suffer more than me as there is none to take care of her now. My siblings though willing to share their responsibility, my mother does not want to go and stay with them. They also have their limitations. Even I tried to arrange a caretaker to come and stay with her here, whereas I can go and stay in the ashram. But she refused to accept that arrangement stating clearly that she cannot live without my presence.
I was torn between these two extremes—taking care of my health so that I won’t become a problem for others and I also can take care of my mother. At the same time as I don’t want to disturb her peaceful life which she enjoys only here, I feel guilty that I am persecuting her, keeping only my personal interest. ‘How long she is going to live? Let her spend her last few years as she likes’ is the question daunting me. At the same time if I become sick she will suffer more than me. Since the past one month I cannot sleep properly-both day and night and it affects my health. She realizes this. When she notices that I am not well and unable to walk properly and do cooking and other work, she says that she will come to the ashram with me. But when I recover then she will change her mind. So as I was struggling between my health and the needs of my mother I cannot even concentrate on any other work properly.
Then as I was reading a book, closing it I sat quietly wrestling with the Lord. Then tears began to flow and I told Him that I also need some personal time with Him and also for me so that I can serve others properly. Then I poured down my heart by writing this song as inspiration came.
1284 எனக்கான நேரம்
இதுபோன்ற தருணம்
எனக்கான நேரம்
என்னோடு நீவந்து
உறவாடும் காலம்
இதற்காகத் தானே
காத்திருந்தேனே
என்னோடு நீதங்க
அமைதி காண்பேனே
பிறர்க்காக நேரம்
தந்திட வேண்டும்
பிறர்க்காக நானும்
உழைத்திட வேண்டும்
ஆயினும் அதனிடை
எனக்குள்ள தேவையை
ஐயனே நானும்
உணர்ந்திட வேண்டும்
என்தேவை நீயாக
இருந்திடும் போது
எனக்குள்ளே வந்திடும்
புதுவிதத் தெம்பு
‘
அதன்மூலம் எனக்குமே
வந்திடும் வலிமை
அதுவே நீதரும்
அளப்பறும் நன்மை
காலிக் குடமாக
நானுமே இருந்தால்
வீணில் ஓசை
மட்டுமே வந்திடும்
உன்ஆவி ஊற்றி
நீயுமே நிறைக்க
நிறைகுடம் போல
அமைதியும் திரும்பும்
அந்த அமைதி
நான்பெறும் தருணம்
என்னோடு நீவந்து
அமர்ந்திடும் காலம்
அதற்காக நானும்
காத்திருந்தேனே
நீவந்து சேர
மகிழ்வு கொண்டேனே
மத்திகிரி, 27-08-2021, மதியம் 2.30
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