462 He also is the remedy/medicine
I am troubled as I cannot see him any more
I am deluded with deep sore in my eyes
I expected his arrival keeping a watch on the way
I lament as the love-in-separation (viraham) increases
Is there any other remedy/medicine other than him for my sickness?
Will my passion go away without him?
Who will go and tell about me to him
Does nobody have pity on me anymore?
From the day I was redeemed I belong to him
I forgot about me as I gave myself to him
I don’t know any other relationship other than him
I constantly thinking only about him not minding about my needs
Knowing my bhakti alone he accepted me
He rejoiced in the rain of my seva to him
But he become upset with me
Because of the small small fights (udal) that we had
I have no one to go as my messenger to him
I don’t have any words to convey my sorrows
My pain won’t go without him
And other than him, others won’t understand this
Mathirigi, 7-7-16, 1.45 pm.
As I read the following Surdas song@, as the inspiration came I wrote this song immediately. I wonder what if someone read in future some of my songs like these. They might think that, ‘being a single man, that too calling as a sannyasi, why he wrote such songs? Does he really miss romance in his life? Could it be another reason for writing such songs?’
If I began to think or write imagining what others might think about me, then I cannot live for myself. As I often insist that I write everything only for me and not for OTHERS. That is why I never mind if I didn’t receive any response from anyone on anything that I write. As I shared before, very long time I never shared any of my writings with anyone in the past. Still there are so many things buried in my computer which I never share with anyone.
But the reason for writing such songs with romantic notes is not that I miss romance in my life. Those who write poem will agree with me that we don’t know when the inspiration will come and which form. If we forget to note down the first sentence or words, soon that inspiration also will disappear. So when I read such songs or thought, if I get inspiration then I immediately write these kinds of songs.
Every inspiration need not be part of our experience or life. Others life and thought (including their experience) can give such inspiration. So many of my songs, including this one is part of that inspiration and not part of my life.
@ I thought, my friend, that Hari had come,
but then I awoke and lamented, my friend.
Believe me, since then my body has been tossing
Like a fish out of water—on the shore, my friend.
Friend, my fine frame burns with the fever of longing.
It takes many tries to bring it to life, my friend.
What am I to do? I’ve gone down the wrong road.
My sorrows are rising; my trouble, doubled, friend.
So I’ve written all this news and sent it with a traveller—
The tortured mutterings of longing, my friend:
“Lord of Surdas, unless I somehow see you,
how will this harshness end?”—my friend.—Sur’s Ocean, eds. Kenneth E Bryant, trs. By John Stratton Hawley, Massachusetts, Murty Classical Library of India, Harvard University Press, song 367-68, pp. 367-68
462 அவனே மருந்து
காணாமல் நானும் இங்கு கலங்குகிறேனே
கண்விழி சோர நிதம் மயங்குகிறேனே
வழிமேல் விழிவைத்துப் பார்த்திருந்தேனே
விரகம் மேலோங்கப் புலம்புகிறேனே
என்நோய்க்கு அவனன்றி மருந்தேதுமுண்டோ
என்தாபம் அவனன்றித் தீருவதுண்டோ
என்சேதி எவர்சென்று இனி சொல்லுவாரோ
இரக்கமே எவருக்கும் என்மீது இல்லையோ
எனைமீட்ட நாள்முதல் அவன் சொந்தமானேன்
என்னையே தந்ததால் நானென்னை மறந்தேன்
உறவென அவனன்றி வேறொன்று மறியேன்
ஊணுறக்கமின்றி அவனையே நினைந்தேன்
என்பக்தி அறிந்துதான் எனை ஏற்றுக்கொண்டான்
என்சேவை மழையிலே நிதமும் மகிழ்ந்தான்
இடையிடை ஏற்படும் சிறுசிறு ஊடலால்
ஏனோ என்மீது வீண்கோபம் கொண்டான்
தூதென்று செல்ல எனக்காரும் மில்லை
என்துயர் சொல்லித் தீர்த்திட மொழியேதுமில்லை
அவனன்றி என்துயர் தீருவதும் இல்லை
இதை அவனன்றி வேறாரும் புரிவதும் இல்லை
மத்திகிரி, 7-7-16, மதியம் 1.45