Addiction
When I was inquiring about a marriage proposal to a young man, he wrote: I really struggle with purity. Pornography has been a weakness for me for quite a long time. I am trying to fight this. I will have to get closer to Yeshuji, before I can marry a person.
In response first I wrote: Such fights will never end in life. One kind of vice will be replaced by another. And if you think that you can do anything positive in life only after becoming perfect it won’t happen till the end of our life. We are saved sinners but struggling saints.
After sending this short response, I began to reflect upon this subject. Then I wrote this long response to his question as handling such a subject on addiction is not that much easy.
What you see in porn is mere illusion. But when you have legitimate sex in marriage, then you will experience the greatness, gentleness, nobleness and even holiness of ‘sexual’ act. Then it will help you to overcome the addiction of porn. This is not limited to watching porn but even involving sex outside marriage. I am not sure about non-Indians. At least in India, sex outside marriage brings if not guilty conscience at least some kind of disturbance in the mind of the person. In that kind of sexual activity the person who seeks gratification to quench his sexual urge will even involve in violence hurting not only the body but also the mind and the spirit of another person whom he or she uses. More than that in that kind of sexual activity he or she will keep only her need and satisfaction in mind and not that of the other person. Whereas when you will have sex with your wife, you will see that she also derives pleasure and satisfaction in that act. There you will never involve in any kind of violence which will hurt her and damage your relationship with her.
More than this, sex in marriage is not merely for pleasure but for procreation. Whereas sex outside marriage is an end in itself. That is why at least in theory in Hindu worldview a husband (an ideal mostly for a Brahmin) should approach his wife only once to beget a son. At the same time, again in theory any woman who has only one child is considered as a barren woman. Of course there is no guarantee that one can easily come out from this addiction because of marriage. Some time it may aggravate it. However the marriage might help to see the reality of the sex in naked truth than through the illusion of porn.
No religion encourages sex outside marriage, though in few it is not considered as act of sin. Whereas sex is never considered as a taboo or unholy activity which should be avoided in any religion. In Hindu worldview it is also considered equal to performing a yajna.$ And according to Muktiveda, it is a gift by god not only for procreation but to have a healthy life. Like hunger, sexual instinct is a symptom of a healthy body and mind. When one eats not to fill the stomach or to quench the palate but to have a healthy body, the same approach is promoted in Muktiveda to have a meaningful married life. That is why, according to Muktiveda, the body of the husband and wife belongs to each other which they should respect. But when the same body is used only for personal gratification—within marriage or outside, it is considered as a sin in Muktiveda. Then the same gift of sex becomes a vice leading even to addiction.
Every vice creates some kind of illusion as well as guilt in our conscience. Take for example of earning money or wealth for one’s need. When one earns in dharmic (legitimate?) way, then he will find satisfaction in it and it will help him even to overcome greed and accumulation of wealth. When he wants to do some charity to help others, he will do it keeping the need of the other person and not to parade his charity or keeping his satisfaction or even to earn any merit. Whereas a person when accumulates wealth in an adharmic (illegitimate@) way will soon become addicted to wealth. Then in order to get rid of his guilty conscience or sin he might give part of his wealth in charity, but not keeping the need and interest of the other person but only to get rid of his guilty conscience or sin or to earn name and fame.
This is not limited only to vices. Even some virtues also will become an addiction. Take humility for example. A real humble person, when fails to keep a balance will soon will become addicted to it. So when he sees some mistake in the other person, in order to maintain his IMAGE as a humble person, he won’t take step to correct the mistake of the other person. A real humble person needs to be strict when need comes in correcting the mistakes or wrong doings in another person.
We can apply this principle to every activity in life like pride, greed, power, authority, accumulation, humility, sacrifice etc. But if you hesitate to take the FIRST POSITIVE STEP—like sex within the marriage because of some sexual addiction, then you will remain paralyzed in life unable to overcome any kind of addiction. Handling any kind of addiction is to face it head on and not try to run away from it.
27-12-2019
$ The sexual act is called a fire sacrifice (Agnihotra, Satapatha Brahmana 11.6.2.10). The Brhadaranyaka Upanishad (6.4.3) homologizes the various parts of a woman with elements of the sacrifice: Her vulva is a sacrificial altar; her pubic hairs, the sacrificial grass; her skin, the soma-press, and her labia, the fire in the middle. Sexual intercourse is a Soma sacrifice: As great indeed as the world gained by one who performs a Soma sacrifice, is the world gained by one, who with this knowledge, engages in sexual intercourse (Baudhayana 6.4.3)– Olivelle, Patrick, The Asrama System: The History and Hermeneutics of a Religious Institution. New York: Oxford University Press, 1993, p. 45
@ I am not sure whether I can translate adharmic as illegitimate. Legitimate and illegitimate is not only a moral issue but also a legal one.