When we shifted to Mathigiri from the ashram on 6-4-14, I told my mother that we will see for six months how it will work for both of us. Now almost eight months gone, but there is no sign from my mother to return back to the ashram. Not only this, now she is not allowing me even to go there for a day or two. So now I am living confined within my room and hall. If there is no rain then I will go to the roof to walk just for 45 minutes. But this song is not pessimistic one but fight with the Lord with my right to know what is the secret behind this? Certain words in this song cannot be translated in English. But I do my best.
29-11-14
259 There is a secret
What is the use of living on this earth anymore
What I am going to accomplish in rest of my life
Not knowing your will (properly)
Somehow I live in this body which you gave.
I become tired both in my body and mind
I become weak by fighting with me
I don’t have strength to fight with anyone
Therefore I came to fight with you.
Is it right for you to remain like this
Is it correct for you not accepting my challenge to fight with you
don’t hesitate by thinking that I don’t have strength
as I came with courage you don’t runaway to hide from me
Today I want to know for sure
I should receive your answer clearly
When I don’t run fearing you
Why you run away fearing on something
Wherever you go I won’t let you go
I won’t afraid whatever you do to me
Can you escape from me
Is it possible for you once you mingled with me
Are you a deaf even after I say this much
Are you dum as there is no answer from you
How much time you take and delay
Am I fool to let you go away from me
Tell me clearly what are you doing at present
Why this of game of hide and seek
Whoever close (the eye) and whoever seek, what is the use
You don’t understand my troubles
This is not remain unknown to you
That also I know well
But there is a secret behind this
At least tell it one time to me
But you have your own reason to remain silent
As I cannot understand if you tell
You ask me to keep patience
If I understand this your give peace
Mathigiri, 27-11-14, 11.45 pm
We old people like to have the unchanged routine in our lives. When we want some change, we will adjust our life. But when we are forced to adjust our routine life in order to accommodate others need—particularly in taking rest and relaxation, including entertainment, then we are disturbed and began to complain. This is a common nature to most of the most of the old people (including me). ‘Leave me alone and you go and do whatever you like’, we will say, But when others ‘going’ and ‘doing’ demands some adjustment which will disturb our routine, then we will began to murmur or keep long face. And when I ponder on it, I realized that my own ‘ego’ which forces me to keep focused on me is the main cause for most of the problem in interpersonal relationship. But thank God that our bhakti helps us to keep focused on the Lord—not on us or on others. It helps us to adjust with others and cope with the demands. It helps us to feel the presence of God and enjoy the Peace of the Lord with us. It is very strange co-incidence. While I am typing this comments (11-1-2015, 10.30 am), I received a call from my sister that my mother refuse to stay even one more day there. (My mother went with Raman to stay with my sister for few weeks) She is pestering them to bring her back to stay with me. My sister and her husband went to Tiruvaiyaru for the music program and only returned by bus yesterday night (travelling more than 300 kms in ordinary bus). Then my sister and her husband have to come again today to bring my mother back to the ashram. But I made it clear to my mother that my sister’s health won’t permit her to travel again today and then go back tomorrow to Chennai (around 700 kms again), as she has to take care of her grand-daughter. So I told them to send my mother with my brother-in-law and my sister should not travel. Finally my mother agreed for this as she is happy to come back to stay with me. But I have to adjust a lot if my mother comes today to the ashram. Because the white washing is going on and I have to shift things and clean, though the workers will do other work. But I am happy as I will stay here more days and need not go back to Mathigiri on 19th. Well don’t read in between the lines—that my desire to stay in the ashram will help me to accept all kinds of demands of my mother. Anyhow as I take care of my mother since 2000 and as we both are old, we are happy to have our routines not disturbed by others.
{Finally my mother returned with my sister and her husband, just only staying there for seven days. She stayed with me in the ashram till the white washing was completed and then we moved back to Mathigiri. We both were happy—I managed to say few more days in the ashram, and my mother was happy as she returned back to stay with me—her favorite child.}.
11-1-2015. Gurukulam.
259 ரகசியம் உள்ளது
இருந்தென்ன ஆவது இனிஇந்த உலகிலே
ஏதுநான் செய்வது எஞ்சிய வாழ்விலே
ஏதுதான் உன்சித்தம் அதைநான் அறியாமலே
என்னவோ வாழ்கிறேன் நீதந்த உடலிலே
உடலாலே மனதாலே ஓய்ந்துமே போனேன்
என்னோடு போராடி தளர்ந்துமே போனேன்
எவரோடும் போராட பெலனற்று போனேன்
அதனால் உன்னோடு போராட வந்தேன்
இப்படி நீ ஒதுங்கி இருப்பது சரியா
வம்புக்கு அழைத்தும் மறுப்பது முறையா
தெம்பில்லை என்னிடம் என்றுநீ தயங்காதே
துணிந்து நான்வந்தபின் ஓடிநீ மறையாதே
இரண்டில் ஒன்று இன்றே பார்க்கணும்
என்ன உன்பதில் அதைநான் கேட்கணும்
உனக்கு பயந்து நான் ஓடாதபோது
எதற்கு பயந்து நீஓடுறாய் கூறு
எங்கே போனாலும் உன்னை விடமாட்டேன்
என்னநீ செய்தாலும் பயப்படமாட்டேன்
என்னிடமிருந்து நீ தப்பிக்க முடியுமா
என்னுடன் கலந்தபின் உனக்கது இயலுமா
இவ்வளவு சொல்லியும் நீ என்ன செவிடா
ஏதும் பதில் இல்லை நீஎன்ன ஊமையா
எத்தனை காலம் நீ தாமதித்தாலும்
உன்னை விட்டிட நான் என்ன மோழையா
என்ன நீ செய்கிறாய் தெளிவாகச் சொல்லு
ஏன் இந்த கண்ணாமூச்சி விளையாட்டு
யார்மூடி என்ன யார்தேடி என்ன
என்பாடு உனக்கு என்றுமே புரியாது
புரியாமல் உனக்கு இதுஎன்றும் இல்லை
அதுவும் எனக்கு புரியாமல் இல்லை
இதற்குப் பின் இரகசியம் உள்ளது
அதைமட்டுமாவது ஒருமுறை கூறு
ஏதோ ஒருகாரணம் உன்னிடம் உண்டு
அதைச் சொன்னால் எனக்கு புரியாது என்று
பொறுமை காக்க நீயும் சொல்கிறாய்
அதை புரிந்துகொண்டால் நிம்மதி தருகிறாய்.
மத்திகிரி, 27-11-2014, இரவு 11.45